


Merle's Diary

by Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades



Category: Original Work
Genre: Journal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-10-31 01:22:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10888875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades/pseuds/Merle_de_la_Font_des_Fades
Summary: A collection of journal entries.





	1. Dear man

Dear man,

you did not take anything by force from me and for that I thank you. You stopped when I told you to. For that, I thank you. But somehow, I feel used. Maybe I was not ready. Maybe you just wanted to play with me. You are older and more experienced than me. It was easy for me to feel lost in your touch. I think I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. And I regret that, at least partially. I enjoyed our long talks. But I should never have let you go further. It's my fault, I know, but I still feel horrible. I still feel used. Maybe it's because it happened, more than once, just after you broke up with your two-month girlfriend. Maybe it's because I'm stupid. Maybe it's because we never talked about it. Maybe it's because you didn't contact me afterwards. Maybe it's because I didn't contact you afterwards. But I should have known. I should have known you probably weren't serious about me while I was serious about you. I grew fond of you while still healing from my first heartbreak. And I regret that. Because I feel used. Dirty. And somehow, it's both our faults. Maybe. I'm not sure. Maybe it's all my fault.


	2. Dear whoever

Dear whoever,

It's always easier to pretend writing someone. But you know what's not easy ? Accepting someone's death. She committed suicide a little more than a month ago. But between subconsciously knowing she's gone and realizing she really is dead and will never come back, there's a big difference. Between these two things, there is denial, there are shouts and tears. Not necessarily in that order. There's also the "Why ?" question. Why her ? Why now ? Why, why, why ? Those are questions I will never get an answer on and I will have to learn accepting that while simultaneously going on with my life. But let me tell you one more thing. I loved her. So this is also heartbreak. She was my first love. This is my first heartbreak. So if you cross my path, please be gentle to me.


	3. I'm like ice

I'm like ice. I'm cold and hard but I'm melting. Or rather, you're making me melt. I don't want it. Get your burning hands off me. You were not meant to touch my heart. Yet you did. But you don't care about it. Your thoughts towards me are cold. Mine about you are on fire and I can't stay calm. Stay away from my heart. Let it harden again. I don't want to end up with a puddle of melted heart water. I certainly don't want to drown in it.


	4. My Love

I am something near happy tonight  
But I won't forget you, my love, my love  
And there's a song playing in my mind  
The acoustic version cuz I like it better  
What you have become is a star  
And you'll always live in my sky  
But so are another million stars  
You need to become part of a galaxy  
That's when I'll know I can accept  
That you have decided to go forever  
But I won't forget you, my love, my love


	5. Who am I ?

Why do we think 60€ is too much but 59,99€ is okay? Why do we pull pranks that sometimes hurt others? Why do we feel the need to impress each other?

These are questions I ask myself from time to time.

But there's a question that is tormenting me. Every day, every night. It gurgles out my throat. It appears on a neon light sign on a bar in my dreams. It writes itself in my diary. It's whispered by the wind. Who am I? What am I?

I am 18.

I am genderfluid.

I am pansexual. Maybe ace panro. I'm not sure.

I love food. And cats.

I am afraid. To live in the moment. To be alone forever.

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I want to die.

That's what I know about me. I fear that's all there is to know about me.


	6. To Lose

If I lose this war, I lose myself. Completely. There will be nothing left to cushion my fall. I will lose everything. I might as well die at that moment, if it arrives.

Don't think about it. Don't think about it.

I'm still breathing, still living. I wish I could have the will to live. To continue painting my life. But it contains only one color and it's getting tiring. Oh, could someone bring color? It is my only wish.


	7. Piece Of Broken Art

Today, in art therapy, I was proven wrong. My life does not consist of only one color. The way I present myself is golden and yellow, with little grey dots. That's my surface. The real me is blue and black. Beaten, blue, on the ground, struggling. All together, I am a screaming, kicking, fighting piece of broken art.


	8. Murder Scene

My head looks like a murder scene  
Some battle has been going on  
And it was bloody, bloody  
Did I kill an image of myself?  
Or a little piece of myself?  
What did I just lose forever?

And you can try to play  
Be the police agent  
Who will question me  
Until I finally admit  
I hate myself

And then you can arrest me  
Tell me what I said isn't true  
And that I should stop lying  
Or I'll land in prison  
But I spoke the truth


	9. The place where I am trapped

If I could apologize to myself  
I could start with a clean slate  
And learn to love myself on the way  
But I'm trapped in self-hate  
And thoughts of killing myself  
And I just don't want to let go yet

You have to understand, I can explain  
The place where I am trapped now  
It is safe, it is safe, it is safe  
And though I want to leave and live  
Some part of me wants to stay  
And give in to the sickness


	10. Emergency Room

Too drunk  
But not weak  
Why are you apologizing?  
I'd follow you anywhere  
To the moon and back  
So what's an urgency room to me?  
Angel, I want you to live


End file.
